Knock-off Nigel: assault your local file-sharer today!

"Surely you've got something to say about those Knock-off Nigel adverts?", enquires Sammy. "Too easy?" Actually, not having seen much TV for a while, I just wasn't aware that it'd turned into a little series. For those out of the loop, after the abject failure of the "you wouldn't steal a car" style of anti-piracy ads, they're now trying to stir up a bit of peer pressure. The kind of man who downloads movies, concludes a taunting pack of colleagues, is probably the same guy who steals their money and eats their food:



Assuming that charming shot at social engineering gave you the same grim sickness in the pit of your stomach it gave me, all I'll say is that the stumbling block it might fall at is people's failure to give a flying fuck whether their workmates download films or not. If they do, hopefully it's not passionately enough to form a baying mob around his desk. Although, if you need that extra push, the website has a host of tools to whip you up into a Nigel-bashing frenzy. Including, believe it or not, a little game where you can hurl objects at one.

Burn the witch!

Allinson: nothing but flour, yeast and drivel

Allied Bakeries have announced a major recall of Allinson bread after fears that certain loaves were contaminated with hate and despair. "While Wholemeal Batch's most important ingredient is our family's century-old baking passion, the factory environment may also contain traces of horror, anger and stinging regret," explained a spokesperson. "Customers experiencing unwanted alienation or gentle waves of ennui should return the product to their supermarket and will receive a full refund."

Burger King's inspiration is running low

Amy implores me to spot the difference:





Don't worry, we can reconcile this. Clearly, Burger King's master chefs were first inspired to add black pepper and a new sauce to the Whopper by an awe-struck viewing of Spider-Man 3 one balmy night in 2007 (funnily enough, a film that only inspired me to get the hell out of the cinema). But a year later, deeply touched by the new Batman, they called head office and demanded its re-release. Those artists!

Skyy: serving suggestion only

From: ceo@skyy.com
To: office@brightideasadvertising.com
Subject: Re: poster campaign

Okay Tim, not gonna meddle - you've got your job and I've got mine! - but I thought I'd just give you an idea of the look we're after. The key words are sophistication, luxury and elegance. Skyy needs to be showcased as the only choice for the discerning modern urbanite, associated with an aspirational lifestyle, etc etc. Also, if possible, we'd like a lot of thigh. You know, on some sultry model with a ridiculously photoshopped waist. Have her standing in front of the vodka drinker parting her legs like the rest of his aperitif lies somewhere in her crotch. "Best served with vagina" was bandied around the office.

And if the man could be sitting in one of those awesome egg chairs from the 90s, that'd be perfect. Anyway, I'll leave the rest to you. See you at the pitch on Friday!

Sunday Times: it's you, but a newspaper

Jesus, I hope I can't be comprehensively summed up by my choice of Sunday broadsheet. And imagine if it was the Times! I guess this could be the launch of their new "dark sexual fantasies" and "obsessive compulsive tendencies" supplements.

Mazda rejig the conventional week

You know what, Mazda? I'd love to. That's what I always wanted. That's what I dreamt of when I traced my finger down your curves in the magazine and swore you'd be mine.

But Mazda, they wouldn't give you to me free. They wanted money. Thousands of pounds, Mazda. What could I do? I only had one choice. I sought a high-powered career in auditing.

So there you are, Mazda, sitting in my drive, but I'm not with you, am I? I'm slumped in the office knocking back Pro Plus and finalising the details of the latest account. And Sunday? Don't make me fucking laugh, Mazda. Sunday I'm preparing that report for management.

Of course I could have roared off into the sunset with you, Mazda, if I'd had a day off in the last six years. But I'd probably just have caught up on sleep. That's all I really look forward to now. I know you understand.

Birmingham thanks you for committing less crime

Hey, no problem. I just cut back on the armed robbery and let a couple of drug mules go. It was more the credit crunch than a sense of social responsibility, but it's always nice to get some recognition.

Your local canal: it's a long stone thing with water in it

Yep, you read it right. Canal. Everyone's favourite artificial waterways are being ubiquitously marketed nationwide, and in case you were wondering, your local canal is also "a open air gym", "an open air library", "a shortcut to work", "a proper lunch break" and (ugh) "a chill out zone" (more can be found in a sickening video). Not yet mentioned, but surely in the running, must be "a free wash", "an open air urinal" and "your own secret cemetery". And by the looks of things, somewhere to sleaze over the two youngest pieces of ass in the office and be oblivious to their unsubtle "eww" faces.

Quick fix

Our old friends have outwitted the authorities once again...

Cargiant: like a functional relationship, but better

Click to read the full story, girls, and prepare to relate! The women I know just can't shut up about their boyfriend's need for TCS. Frankly they're just crying out to buy a car to piss him off, and I think we've found just the place. Girl power.

Incidentally, if your customer has this face when you hand over the keys, it's probably irresponsible to let them behind the wheel.

But what's this?
























Blessed be! Men, too, can strike a blow for independence with a quick swing by the car showroom. Not to mention shut those sodding kids up -- "Look at this, daddy! Read me a story, daddy! You're strapping me in too tight, daddy! Why are you buying another car, daddy?" -- and rub it in the wizened old face of your mother in law. Hey, why not run over your annoying colleague's dog on the way back? And make a few dents in your unrequited high school crush's convertible? Guess who has the long face now, bitch!

Unfortunate product placement, part 1

And, apparently, across the opposing lane.

Another Sky+ strumpet

Maybe it's unfair to suggest that Kelly Brook wouldn't know quality if it teabagged her singing the national anthem, because these "quotes" were clearly randomly assigned to whatever celebs they could get their hands on. Poor Kelly probably thought the photoshoot was for OK! Perhaps she still does.

Quizno's unconvincing FAQs

In the opening scene of Quizno's: the Movie, a smug reporter raises his hand and asks this question. The assembled press gasp at the CEO's brave, wise-cracking reply, then slowly rise to their feet and roar their approval.

Your guess is as good as mine as to what "processed cheese food" is, though. "Food" with "processed cheese", maybe?

Vaseline: for your ball grip

If rugby players aren't up to the task of de-gaying Vaseline, no-one is. Hey, they're not sissies! They just need it to keep their big rugby-playing hands strong and resilient and silky smooth to the touch. Not for the post-match fun and games.

Technorati tags: Vaseline, rugby

Tan! for the vitamins

Now we know sunbeds increase your risk of every kind of skin cancer, you'd be forgiven for thinking that attempts to sell them on their health benefits might be getting...

Tenuous?

Technorati tags: tanning

McCoy's encapsulate the modern male

What do you do when the focus groups tell you the lucrative "heterotard" demographic is abandoning your pub snack in favour of peanuts, pork scratchings and aggravated assault?





I just couldn't relate more, right guys? I wish anyone who crossed the boundaries of homogeneous macho culture could just be swiftly sucked out of the pub before I had to kick the shit out of them. It'd save me a fuckload in court costs.

Thanks to Ruffhousing!

Technorati tags: Mccoy's, man crisps